no words

my grandma has Alzheimer's. the person that helped make me who i am today has Alzheimer's. my favorite person in the entire world has Alzheimer's. no matter how many times i say it, it doesn't get easier, it just gets harder.

i love her so much it hurts. to think about what the future holds for her makes my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest and torn into a million pieces. when i visit her i can see moments where she drifts off to never-neverland. the glassy look in her eyes and then she blinks and is back, but not completely. she isn't the person she used to be, so vibrant and full of life. every now and then i will get a smile from her that reminds me she is still there. but for how long? how long do we get to have her? she seems to do well talking about the past. i like to hear stories about her childhood, my mom's childhood & even my childhood. i don't get to be around her as much as i would like since i live 2 hours away. when i do see her, i notice the little changes more. it's like being on one of those wavy slides you can ride on at the county fair, you go down fast just a little bit then stall just enough to anticipate going down again. right now she is still in the early stages but i don't care how early a person is in this disease, it doesn't make it any easier and the memory loss is still there. i know this is only going to get harder on everyone as the years go by.

the person i feel the most sorrow for is my grandpa. i can only imagine how hard it must be to see the love of your life deteriorate right before your eyes. i know he won't say it or show signs of it, but i know deep down that he is having an extremely difficult time with it. he wants so badly to be able to leave the house at the drop of a hat to be able to go golfing or to work for a bit, but it's not that easy anymore. now he has to make sure there is someone with grandma at all times, and that someone is usually my mom. she is feeling like grandpa is being selfish by wanting to leave all the time but i don't blame him, he is living with this every day, all day. the rest of us get to be home with our families, go out to eat if we want, go to work, go out with friends, and not have to plan out every part of our days to make sure a sick person is being taken care of. i love my grandpa so much and i want so much to be able to tell him i understand but i don't think i could do that without blubbering and sounding like a fool.

i feel very helpless being here, away from them. i wish i could be there to help but having two small children, with one in school, a part-time job, and a husband and house to take care of, just makes it impossible. i am having the worst time dealing with this. i am frightened about what is waiting down the road for our family. how can something like this happen to such a perfect person? and she really is. she is my hero, the person that i strive to be and so epically fail at so often. i am convinced there is no god, because if there were then this would not be happening to my grandma.