no words

my grandma has Alzheimer's. the person that helped make me who i am today has Alzheimer's. my favorite person in the entire world has Alzheimer's. no matter how many times i say it, it doesn't get easier, it just gets harder.

i love her so much it hurts. to think about what the future holds for her makes my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest and torn into a million pieces. when i visit her i can see moments where she drifts off to never-neverland. the glassy look in her eyes and then she blinks and is back, but not completely. she isn't the person she used to be, so vibrant and full of life. every now and then i will get a smile from her that reminds me she is still there. but for how long? how long do we get to have her? she seems to do well talking about the past. i like to hear stories about her childhood, my mom's childhood & even my childhood. i don't get to be around her as much as i would like since i live 2 hours away. when i do see her, i notice the little changes more. it's like being on one of those wavy slides you can ride on at the county fair, you go down fast just a little bit then stall just enough to anticipate going down again. right now she is still in the early stages but i don't care how early a person is in this disease, it doesn't make it any easier and the memory loss is still there. i know this is only going to get harder on everyone as the years go by.

the person i feel the most sorrow for is my grandpa. i can only imagine how hard it must be to see the love of your life deteriorate right before your eyes. i know he won't say it or show signs of it, but i know deep down that he is having an extremely difficult time with it. he wants so badly to be able to leave the house at the drop of a hat to be able to go golfing or to work for a bit, but it's not that easy anymore. now he has to make sure there is someone with grandma at all times, and that someone is usually my mom. she is feeling like grandpa is being selfish by wanting to leave all the time but i don't blame him, he is living with this every day, all day. the rest of us get to be home with our families, go out to eat if we want, go to work, go out with friends, and not have to plan out every part of our days to make sure a sick person is being taken care of. i love my grandpa so much and i want so much to be able to tell him i understand but i don't think i could do that without blubbering and sounding like a fool.

i feel very helpless being here, away from them. i wish i could be there to help but having two small children, with one in school, a part-time job, and a husband and house to take care of, just makes it impossible. i am having the worst time dealing with this. i am frightened about what is waiting down the road for our family. how can something like this happen to such a perfect person? and she really is. she is my hero, the person that i strive to be and so epically fail at so often. i am convinced there is no god, because if there were then this would not be happening to my grandma.

Mother's Day is coming up

I never expect anything from my husband and kids for Mother's Day other than a card and maybe some flowers. All I ever ask is to get to sleep in (which I end up not doing cause I can't stand that everyone else is up and moving around without me) and to go to lunch and just have a nice day with my family. I don't expect presents or anything fancy.

Lucas said to me a couple of days ago that him and Daddy have a Mother's Day surprise for me. As much as I wanted to hear more, I told him not to tell me. He is horrible at keeping secrets, which should be expected from a 5 year old. I'm sure whatever it is it isn't super expensive or over the top, but I can't help thinking about all the possible things it could be. I wonder how much David has been paying attention to me when I've said all the things that I want/need for myself or for the house. I guess I have to wait to find out!

I saw this music video today. It's Taylor Swift singing a song for her mom and the video is compiled of their home movies. It's so sweet, it made me cry, and I know all of us moms really want is to just have that sort of impact on our children and to be the most beautiful woman in their eyes.

Happy Mother's Day! (a little early)

Taylor Swift More CMT Music More CMT Music Videos

first entry

I guess this is just an experiment. I have a blog on MySpace but I guess I'm just getting a little sick of it over there so I'll see how this goes.

It's finally nice outside and I have to work tonight, Saturday evening and Sunday evening. All I would like is to spend that time at home with my family, cook them dinner, play outside, go for walks, and get started on my garden. Unfortunately, in this day in age, a one income household isn't enough so I have to work stupid hours to make a little extra for us to get by.

I love the Spring. The grass is green, the trees are growing leaves and the flowers are blooming. Our tulips have finally bloomed and it makes me want to get out there and start gardening. But it's hard to find the time with 2 small children, errands, preschool, housework, and work work.